Punter ay the Rings
 Tuesday, 23.March.2004 · Comments (1) · Permalink (372)

Fanfic, Irvine Welsh-style. I think I'll send it to Mary Sue:

By the time ah arrive, nowt's goin on. Gimli n the woodland poof Legolas have finished aw ay the grub and there's nowt left over for ays.
"Aragorn!" Gimil calls tae ays. "Ye're late again!"
"Aye," ay smiles back. "Ah ran intae some Orc cunts and they started gittin wide wi us, likesay."
Gimli looks at ays but says nowt. Ah like Gimli, eh's awright. Tidy little cunt in a fight, like ays. Nae like that homo elf who'd rather keep ehs distance and shoot some fuckin arrows from afar.
Ah sits doon and gets oot ma oan grub. Ah starts thinkin ay Arwen, and our last night togethir, when ah shagged er proper and she squealed like a wee piggie. Fit little lassie that, with the extra ay bein an elf, likes, immortal an' aw that. Those tits an' erse'll never sag!
"Right-o, friends!" Legolas pits in that fuckin' posh English accent. "The sunset burns red. Let us part and spill Orc-blood!"
"Aye, ye'll spill some proper Orc-blood when the moon's made ay green knob-cheese, ya fuckin' shithead!" ah says to masel, but whisperin' likes, so eh disnae hear ays.
So Gimli n me gits up and start headin oot, lookin at each other and laffin at the woodland elf's poofy walk-style.
"Fuckin had, those Orc cunts," Gimli says. "Thir fuckin had." :::